Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
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I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
something like this could probably happen to anyone
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
bout dat hot dog summer
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.