Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
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I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
this makes me so uncomfortable
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
How it started: How it’s going:
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting