Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
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Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.