Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
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[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
That’s amazing.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.