I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
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If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”