my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
a fate I wish upon no one
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Your honor these allegations are
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Breaking news:
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.