Me trying to walk in a dream
You Might Also Like
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.