My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
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ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.