Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
You Might Also Like
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Me when someone tries to get to know me
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive