Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
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Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Usage Guidelines
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking