Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
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[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Me as a therapist: omg same
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.