POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
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My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
They’re called werewolves.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
got so much cardio in today
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
“A little help here, Danny?”
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream