Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
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[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought