[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
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Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone