Tony Hawk, age 6
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Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.