my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
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Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.