there’s probably a fee though
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Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
sliding into dms like
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me