[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
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“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂