I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
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My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.