Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
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You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now