Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
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“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
#SuperBowl
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
The cashier just checked me out.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).