♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
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My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Children of the corn 🌽
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
My whole life was a lie.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!