Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
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*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Can’t stop laughing
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board