[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
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I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread