Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
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One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.