Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
You Might Also Like
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
The Onion called it…again.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.