My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
You Might Also Like
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
The Struggle
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again