I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
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My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.