This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
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I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
*pronounces patio like ratio
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins