I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
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My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*