I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
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My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
my fav colour is also hitler
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette