I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
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Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time