It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
This makes total sense…
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
War & Peace
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Based Erika
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I’m tired tomorrow.