Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
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Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.