gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
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If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
the best thing i’ve ever made
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
#MeanwhileinCanada
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts