Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *