*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
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Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean