Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
You Might Also Like
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
early stone age tool
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
This meeting could have been a cake
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.