Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
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i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey