he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
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If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”