“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
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10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.