[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
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If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!