My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
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Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
HERE’S MARKY
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.