The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
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For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
This fish is cracking me up
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Strange
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
me after drinking all the wine:
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.