“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
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When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!