-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
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my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged