Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
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Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice