“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
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Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.