Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
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Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Catercrombie & Fish
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Just a bush.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars