It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
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When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.